In the Mirror

Have you ever heard of Body Dysmorphic Disorder?  I think I have it.  Well, not really, since it's considered an "obsession" with one's imagined flaws.  I don't obsess over it, but I do think I view myself differently from how others do.  For example:

I feel like this huge, clumsy, blob-thing.  But then someone will say something about my appearance and to totally throws me off.  Like the other day, one of my friends told me she always loves my natural makeup.  I really try to go for the natural look, so that was a huge compliment for me.  I constantly worry that I've got globs of makeup all over my face, like I'm doing it wrong.  

Oh, the other day someone even said they like my ombre hair.  I died.  I don't purposely have ombre hair.  I'm just attempting to grow out my highlights since I don't have the time or money to keep up with it.  I guess I'll take what I can get.

Same thing goes for my size.  I feel huge.  Granted, not as huge as I used to be (see here).  But lately I've gotten some compliments from people at work.  It makes me feel GREAT, but every time someone says something nice I'm like, really?  You see THAT?  Huh.  

It's so strange, like my eyes don't work or something.

Ups and Downs

Working out is tough.  I've never had an injury related to exercise, but I think I might have one.  I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but my ankles hurt.  I've had to stop doing some of the jumping moves.  Instead I do something similar without having to land hard on my ankles.  I need to go buy ankle wraps to see if that helps at all.  Travis doesn't do some of the jump moves either, but for a different reason.  It hurts his lower back.  He's thrown his back out twice, so he's trying to avoid that again.  

I have never been a scale watcher, but ever since I had Mila I've been unable to avoid it.  I lost a pound per week the first two weeks doing Insanity.  But this last week I gained 3 lbs!  I don't know if it's fat converting to muscle, or if I ate too much due to Valentine's Day.  I really hope its the muscle thing.  I feel like my pants are a little looser, but I can't help but feel some disappointment.

I have a work trip next week, which means I'll have to take a week off of exercising PLUS I'll be eating all the horrible food they'll be feeding us.  I'd like to say I will find time to get in some cardio, but I've never been good about that.  The only reason I'm sticking with it at home is because Travis does it with me.  The best I can do is avoid all the sweets (my weakness). 

On the upside, we had our second fit test last week and I saw HUGE improvement.  I kept meaning to post my numbers (because I know you all care so much), but it always slips my mind.  I know the workouts are easier because I can make it through an entire round without having to stop like I used to.  Now the thing that holds me back is muscle weakness by the end.  I can only do so many push-ups and planks before my arms turn to Jello mush.  Overall I feel good about it.  I just need to remember the positives!!

It's getting easier

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Travis and I are still doing the Insanity workout.  The way it's laid out, you have hard cardio for 4 days, then a day called "cardio recovery" that's actually hardcore yoga.  Then there's two more days of hard cardio before you get a day break.  Three times during this schedule we have had to postpone by a day.  We aren't skipping it, just postponing.  That means tonight is our second fit test (we do this every two weeks).  The first was our first day.  I'm actually really looking forward to seeing how much of a difference there is.  

I've only lost 2 lbs since we started, but I will take it!  It's the lowest I've been since I had Mila, so it makes me feel good.  Despite constantly being sore I can really tell a difference in my fitness.  The other day I went out to our veggie garden to pull weeds and dead plants in prep for the new crop.  After I finished, I was stepping out and realized squatting had been terribly easy.  I didn't struggle with it at all.  That's a huge improvement for me considering I spend a lot of time on the floor with my kids. 

I'm also starting to enjoy the work outs.  They're still hard, but I find myself cursing at the TV less and having the energy and happiness to give Travis a high five or talk about the work out afterward.  It makes me want to stick with it.  I feel better about myself enough that I want to keep going.  I'm going to be forthcoming here and say that I know my body will never be exactly what I want without plastic surgery.  Having babies has ruined my mid-section.  But if I could get things leaned out a bit I'm sure it would make me feel more confident.

This is the first time in my life I have enjoyed exercise.  I take that back.  I used to go jogging with a friend my senior year of high school.  About a month into it I really enjoyed my runs.  But then it started snowing and we quit.  Story of my exercise-life!

Day 3 of Insanity

Day 3 (last night) was horrible.  I stuck with the cardio the entire time, but then there were a lot of moves that involved being in push-up position.  My shoes were dusty from the garage, so I kept slipping everywhere.  I found it horribly frustrating and was super pissy afterward.  Travis really wants me to stick with this (I'm trying not to take it personally) so he took the time to mop the garage.  Ha!  He would have just hosed it out, but it would have required moving all Aiden's toys out of the way.  Mopping was quicker.  

Giving Day 4 a try!

My Foray into Insanity

I wasn't going to admit to this, but Travis and I have started the Insanity workout.  Here's the thing - I've never been one for exercise.  Every once in a while, I feel guilty about my inactivity and start some sort of a workout (jogging, walking with friends at lunch, going to the gym, etc).  It's usually short lived because I despise it so much.  In the past, I have had people offer to loan me the Insanity or P90X disks.  I was always quick to say 'no thanks!'  This time, Travis got a hold of a set on his own, so there's no avoiding it.  

I don't usually talk about exercising because I hate telling people that I'm doing it, only to quit a month later and have to admit it.  This time I've decided to talk about it.  Though make no mistake, my goal at this point is to make it three days.  We have two days down, so if I can make it through tonight, I'll have made my goal.  If I'm still into it, I will lengthen my goal periodically.  

The workout involves a lot of movement.  Our living room is fairly small and has hardwood floors, so all our jumping would probably shake the house and disturb the kids.  So Travis set up a TV and DVD player out in the garage.  An additional bonus is the cold concrete so I can pass out on the chilled floor whenever I feel like I'm going to overheat.

The first night was just the fit test.  You have a minute of some exercise you do repeatedly, then a minute of rest to drink water and write down how many you were able to do.  We are supposed to do this every two weeks so we can see how much we are improving for motivation.  It was ridiculous.  I was like, "This is just a test??  It's not even the workout??  I'm DYING."  I made it through each workout and wrote down my numbers as we went.  Travis on the other hand, was going bat shit crazy and couldn't even keep his head straight enough to count.  Sooooo he has no baseline to go from.

We brought the baby monitor out to the garage with us, but we can't really hear if Aiden gets out of bed.  The next morning we found out he had wet the bed.  When we asked him why he didn't go to the bathroom like he always does and he said he tried to tell us, but we were hiding from him.  I guess he tried to come out while we were in the garage.  I felt horrible.  But then I remembered he had snuck out of his room to get a toy that was in our room and fell asleep with it (caught red-handed).  He has no problem sneaking out for toys, but not to use the toilet.  Not sure what that was about.

The second night (last night), we showed him how to call for us through the baby monitor.  We went through our normal routine and had him go pee before bed (like always) and then we headed out to the garage.  15 minutes into our workout (cardio and plyometrics) and was calling for me through the baby monitor.  I went inside and brought him to the bathroom so he could take care of the few drops he mustered up, then sent him back to bed.  The whole time I did high knees and butt kicks outside the bathroom door while I coached him to hurry.  

I think the second night was harder.  Travis thought it was easier.  I think he just learned to pace himself a bit.  I honestly couldn't keep up for the last 8 minutes.  I half did what was asked of me, but I knew if I got down in the high plank position one more time, my arms would give out and I'd have to explain a bruised chin at work today.

The beginning of the workout is okay.  I want to die by the end of it and afterward I feel faint and honestly a little pissed.  I don't know why all the people on the video are smiling, yelling and high-fiving.  I wanted to high five Travis in the face when he lifted his hand for our own celebration.  Outside of that, I don't mind it.  I'm sore today and honestly I like it.  The workouts are about 45 minutes long and it's in my garage which means my travel time (as opposed to driving to a gym) is amazing.  I hate that my only free time is now filled, but it seems to be a good exchange.  Now let's see how long I can do this...

Awkward Stage

I am at a weird inbetween stage with my clothes right now.  So far I have been wearing my maternity clothes, but lately some of them have ceased to fit me.  Now I just look pregnant when I wear them.  BUT, I don't quite fit most of my pre-pregnancy clothes. 

I don't remember this being such a huge issue after I had Aiden and I've come to a conclusion.  After I had Aiden, I was working in a lab where I could wear jeans and a t-shirt if I so desired.  Many of my jeans are stretch fabric, which makes them easy to fit if my body size is within a certain range.  This time around, I'm working at a job that requires me to dress up a bit.  That means fitted pants, skirts and tops.  I don't have many clothes appropriate for this position.  I was hoping to go shopping after I'd lost the baby weight, but I'm lost as to what to do during this transition time.  I'd hate to go purchase clothes that fit me now only to put them in storage after I lose the weight.

My clothes are DRIVING ME BATTY.  When they are too loose, I feel like I'm in a bag.  Plus, I have to wear a tank top underneath so nothing is exposed when the fabric flaps around when I go outside.  When my clothes are too tight, I'm uncomfortable.  I'm constantly aware of some section digging in, or the shirt rides up constantly.

What's troubling me lately is wondering how long it will take me to get back to pre-pregnancy (or at least really close).  With Aiden, it took me about seven months.  I didn't lose the last 7 lbs until after I had quit breastfeeding.  This time, I had hoped my weight would drop easier when I quit breastfeeding as well.  It probably would've helped if I'd breastfed for a little longer (since it does help you lose most of your weight).

I'm losing about a pound every two weeks.  I still have 11 lbs to lose.  At this rate, I won't be back to my pre-pregnancy weight until February.  Do I really want to deal with too-tight and too-loose clothing until then??  I have been asked on three separate occasions when I am due.  I am so tired of fighting back the tears while explaining that I have a 3-month old at home.  I wish I had the energy to speed up this weight loss.

Prenatal Exercise

As I have mentioned before, I am ready to have this baby.  I thought I would make an attempt to get things moving with a walk Monday night.  Aiden has been asking to go for a walk a lot recently, so I figured I could kill two birds with one stone. 

Aiden and I ate dinner while Travis dealt with the fraudulent bank activity.  It worked out that we were done eating around the same time Travis got off the phone with the bank. Aiden chose his new motorcycle to take on the walk.  At first, I was thinking the motorcycle was a good idea.  He wasn't very good on it, so he was really slow.  When I walk, I get contractions.  I was hoping to take it easy on the walk. 

But then, Aiden warmed up to the bike and got going fast.  I decided this might be a good way to push myself, so I tried to keep up.  There were a few times I had to have him wait for me, but for the most part I kept up.  It was a little rough because that meant I walked for 20 minutes with one long, rock hard contraction.  YOUCH.

When we got home, I sat on the patio while Aiden played in the yard.  I refused to get up until the contraction went away.  I sat there long enough to realize my potted plants needed watering.  When the giant cramp ended, I watered the plants, which inevitably brought the contractions back. 

Still no baby.  This exercise may not bring on a baby, but maybe it will strengthen my uterus so I'm more efficient in the delivery room.  Pft.