Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Feeling Guilty

I am really not loving pregnancy this go around and I feel horribly guilty about it.  There is no time to sit and enjoy it.  With Aiden, I was able to come home after work, take a nap, then get up and make dinner.  We would sit on the couch in the living room and watch TV while we ate.  Afterward, I would watch the belly movement when dinner reached Aiden.

This time around, I rush home to get dinner ready as soon as possible.  We eat at the table.  I get up a minimum of three times per meal to get seconds, refill drinks, get paper towels for a spill, etc.  When I was growing up, my mom always put all the food on the table.  I have never done this as it would result in additional dirty dishes at the end of each meal.  I'm starting to see the perks in that.  I might have to start putting all the food on the table instead of leaving it on the stove.  Hmmm... 

Anyway, after dinner, it usually so close to bed time that we have to give Aiden a bath or start getting him ready for bed.  We try to get him down by 8:30 every night.  After that we clean up dinner, get ourselves ready for bed, and maybe do a few things around the house (laundry, dishes, tidying up, etc).  I would like to be in bed, lights out, at 9:45 every night.  But I generally don't get in bed until 10 and my mind is running a 100 mph, so the last thing I want to do is go straight to bed.  We usually lay in bed for 30-45 minutes watching TV before trying to close our eyes. 

Okay, so maybe I'm just being a little reminiscent about the last pregnancy.  I just read my post from 32 weeks with Aiden.  It appears I was just as uncomfortable then as I am now.  I feel huge.  I look huge.  I don't fit a lot of my maternity clothes already.  I have to make sure to get up when my alarm goes off the first time because I know I will go through at least two shirts before finding one that still covers my baby bump.  Baby mountain might be more accurate.  I have seriously considered purchasing a mumu or two for bedtime.  I cannot stand wearing elastic around my waist to bed and most of my t-shirts do not fit anymore.  Travis is not a big guy, so his shirts aren't much better.

Just like with Aiden, my fundal height is measuring a week ahead and I'm having frequent Braxton-Hicks contractions.  And just like with Aiden, the skin on my stomach is so sensitive that it is more than uncomfortable when Mila kicks.  Sometimes it's so strong that I find it helps relieve pressure if I press back.  Then the skin doesn't stretch as much.  Sounds awesome, right?  Last time I had gained 24 pounds so far.  This time I'm at +19.  There are still two months of growing time left.

I am so huge that I cannot roll over without waking up.  Thankfully I can usually fall back to sleep pretty quickly.  As long as my mind doesn't wandering in that moment, I'm fine. 

The one main difference between the two pregnancies at the moment is Mila is still breech.  The doctor said she's not concerned at this point.  Give it a few more weeks and we might start worrying.  I just REALLY hope we don't reach the point where she has to manually maneuver her into proper birthing position.  I've heard that's horribly painful.  I know I have to go through labor eventually, but I'd like to keep the pain frequency to a minimum.


Sara's Satire said...

Don't feel guilty Nikki - your doing a great job. Pregnancy is harder the second time around...and easier in some aspects. For one you know what to expect - even if things are different, but you still have a toddler running around that demands you attention, you still have your job, your husband, and your house to maintain...by the end of the day your just too tired. The days of taking a nap or over...unless you can somehow talk Aiden in napping at the same time...or get Travis to watch him and cook dinner while you nap.

Are you going to keep Aiden in daycare after Mila comes?

I don't think anyone has the time or energy to put so much into a second pregnancy (I know that sounds bad....but its reality), and remember that Mila has everything she needs already - YOU! and as long as she has some diapers and a bed, all will be well. Trust me, I know the anxiety that comes with trying to get it all done, but once you do, you will feel so much better and then maybe you can relax a little!

Good luck getting all the IKEA furniture together, at least you are almost there!!

Nikki said...

I rarely have time for naps as it is, so I'm not too worried about that. I always end up doing housework while Aiden is napping so we have time to leave the house while he's awake.

I am not 100% sure what we will do with Aiden while I'm on maternity leave. I'm leaning towards keeping him home for the first two weeks when I can't drive. I don't want to have to rely on someone else to get him there and it will probably be the time when I have the most help at home. Another benefit is we get 50% off his tuition if we plan to keep him home in advance.

After I can drive, I plan to bring him back to daycare 3-4 days a week. I want him to have time away to play with his friends and I don't want him to forget about his schedule at daycare. I know he loves his friends and teachers, so I'd hate to take that away from him for a month and a half!

Sara's Satire said...

I think that is a great idea!!! It will be great to keep him home for a couple of weeks, it will also help him bond with Mila. I also think it will be good to go back to daycare for the last four weeks, and 3-4 days would be a perfect amount of time. Especially since you really will be able to take a quick nap while Mila is sleeping. It's so funny how quickly you forget the sleep deprivation you go through the first few months with a new born. I think you have a perfect plan for ALL of you. Aiden will get time with mommy and Mila, and still get to go to school with his friends. Plus, it might be really hard to keep him home for 6 weeks and then try taking him back, he might get attached to staying home!